stellarium
There’s something that I can’t exactly describe in one word while applying to these jobs and internships. Rounding up what I want to apply to is easy. It’s fun. Filling out the application form and submitting my resume is not hard. Getting to the point after: answering more questions, and the potentiality of interviews—a part of me freezes. I ask myself, “Am I really right for this role?”.
I know I’ve done a lot, but at the same time, I haven’t done enough. That feeling irks me. I can draw and write on a whim, and I know it’s because I’ve done those two for so long. Now, when I sit down to try to complete a Leetcode problem, I stare at it blankly. Questions fill my head, asking why I even bothered to go down this path.
That’s the issue. I haven’t done it enough, for long enough. I’ve just been drifting along. The days feel like they don’t have enough time in them for me to create something, and that’s slowly crept up onto writing my book and drawing regularly. And at the end of some days, I just feel too tired to try.
A song popped up in my head from an anime I watched back in middle school, “stella-rium” by Kano (https://www.lyrical-nonsense.com/global/lyrics/kano/stella-rium/). I didn’t think of it much back then, since I had stronger aspirations back then. But right now, I feel like the narrator: fragmented, incomplete, with a bit of optimism still clinging on. One of the lines roughly translates to “If I am nothing now, I should be able to become anything”.
A tear was shed, and another glimmer of hope was restored.
There’s Work to be Done
Maybe I should be kinder to myself, and more patient; I picked up on Java and Python, and to a lesser extent, Javascript, earlier in the year. I was terrified of Java back in 2018 when I first took an object-oriented programming class in my first year of college. I couldn’t understand Python when I tried doing a Udemy course on it. But I’ve completed a project in each language that I’m proud of, starting from nearly zero in both.
I was able to do both projects in under a month. Lots of learning and lots of frustration were in both.
I’ll keep applying for jobs, but I think I will need to reassess my strategies with this new identity I want to create. It’s always been within, but it’s time for me to get it started.
on school
It’s been a little over a year from when I started WGU in November 2022. I’m honestly proud of myself for taking this path; it has saved a lot of money and time for me.
If I could redo it, though, I would’ve told myself to still take my yearlong break from college but to not change my major when I came back. I wished I had come in with more deeply ingrained foundational knowledge, with more projects behind my back.
I think I would’ve taken it more slowly to interact with the material and do my research as well. I would’ve probably worked part-time and then filled the rest of my time with school. The best part? I still wouldn’t be in a lot of debt, and I wouldn’t be in any if I worked the entire time. Even if I slowed down to a one-class-a-month pace, that’s still a lot of work done.
Now, with nearing the end, it feels kind of bittersweet. This could be the last bit of formal education I undertake. I want to stay, but what would I stay for? I would have to move on to something more difficult with a masters.
That’s the thing, though. All this time, I’ve been collecting knowledge. There will come a time, probably very soon, when I have to start doing things. I’ve felt the need to create lately, and that might be the sign to start applying my knowledge.
for the coming year
Like I mentioned in the previous post, there’s a lot I need to learn and do. I’m sometimes afraid of starting, but I know, that, infallibly, I will always be okay. Some things will just take a minute to start. I will need to do some things regularly to get better at them.
I want to change.
That is all.
